No Life on Mars, which is a good thing

I was pretty pissed off when I heard that ABC was going to do an "American" remake of Life on Mars, the terrific BBC series. I was sure that ABC would screw it up. Guess what? I was right.

With rare exceptions, British TV doesn't translate when reconfigured for the colonies. Okay, yeah, I like both versions of The Office But, for the most part, the American desire to make everything Bigger! Better! Longer! sabotages efforts at reconfiguration.

Life on Mars is a terrific example of why Brit TV works. Know how many episodes there were? 16. It wasn't cancelled or anything; it was planned for 16 episodes. It went 16 episdoes. Great episodes. Then it shut down. Done. The show's main writer said "We decided that Sam's journey should have a finite life span and a clear-cut ending and we feel that we have now reached that point after two series [seasons]." Can you imagine an American show doing that? Not just completing only 16 episodes--that's less than Freaks and Geeks ran, for God's sake--but planning on having only sixteen. Being cool with terminating the series once your story line was over. American TV will never go for that. Not enough revenue. Not worth promoting a show that will be gone so quickly.

The characters on Life on Mars look odd compared to their American police show counterparts. Then it hits you. The BBC show has actors that actually look like normal people. No "special guest star Heather Graham as a CIA plant!" stuff. There's a sense of rumpled familiarity that American TV pretty much never pulls off. Not enough star power for us.

British TV series have lots of cultural references and subtexts. You've got to think while you watch them. The most popular show on American TV right now is Deal or No Deal. It's a show about...guessing. Except you don't guess. You watch other people guess. You watch other people guess how much money they have and/or should win. You could have the same experience by standing next to a retiree playing the slots. American audiences, frankly, don't get British TV and aren't likely to start. We've got Celebrity Circus, thanks.

Brit TV isn't afraid to drop S-bombs and show us the occasional boob or buttock. Funny isn't it...we have a Federal Communication Commission to fine networks if Janet Jackson's Frightening Nipple shows up for a split second. The BBC is socialized, and you get partial nudity and cursing. Nice. Not gonna happen here.

Life on Mars has Gene Hunt. If you've seen the show, you know what I mean. We don't have characters like that on our shows.

It's not as though we don't produce splendid TV series, anyway. Arrested Development. Gilmore Girls. The first few seasons of 24 were just roller coasters of joy. We can make our own damn shows. But we've tried to go to the well again, and it's not working again.