Whispers

I put my cat Joe to sleep today. That is the correct phrase. I was holding him while the vet put a small catheter into his vein. I kissed him and whispered "I'll find you. You look for me, and I'll look for you." His tail beat against the table once--a sign that he was happy--and he fell asleep. Then he got the second shot and I held him during that too. I told him I loved him as well, but he didn't need me to say that again. I was always there for him, right to the end. He knew.

I have been unfortunate to have two cats die in the last nine months--my old friend Elvis, who was 12, in November, and Joe. But most of all I have been lucky--so very, very lucky--to know what it is like to be trusted and loved unconditionally, to have pets that kept my priorities straight, to watch something grow and mature and turn into something special, and know that I was a part of it. It is related to the happiness I get from my work, except that I played a far greater role in the lives of my cats than I do with students...although I feel proud when students succeed too.

My cats reminded me to play at all hours, to curl up next to someone you love, to recognize that running from a confrontation is perfectly acceptable, to occasionally drop the work and stretch out and relax...so many things. And, of course, I am sad now...but I also feel happiness and love and pride and duty. The sadness will pass one day. The other feelings will stay with me, always.

There is a thread of mortality that runs through all of this. Pets are not human, of course...but they are like children in the way that they become totally dependent on you. And, unlike our children, that we try to raise so well that they, one day, do not need us anymore...pets do not grow out of needing us. Maybe that's why, in the best situations, we recognize and give back that unconditional love and the cycle is so wonderful.

And why, sometimes, the hard choices must be made. We pass through the entire life cycle of a pet the way we pray we never have to with our children. And sometimes, decisions made out of love are the hardest ones to make throughout that life. We keep pets away from dangerous things that they, mysteriously, enjoy. We scold them and get angry when they make mistakes. We help them as they begin to get confused or weak. And we ask for the final shot when we think it is best. It is all done out of love. I think we hope that, one day, someone will treat us the same way. I held Joe and spoke to him with love in his last moments because, one day, I will be on the table, and I hope others will do the same for me.